


In Which Pidge is the Worst (Best) Friend and Keith is a Disaster

by Leonidas1754



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Actual Gay Disaster™ Keith, Also Pidge is the worst friend, Gender-Neutral Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Hilarity Ensues, Humor, M/M, No Smut, No season 4 spoilers, That was the working title by the way, You will take Agender Pidge from my cold dead hands, non-graphic mentions of sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-14
Updated: 2017-10-14
Packaged: 2019-01-17 04:15:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12357240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leonidas1754/pseuds/Leonidas1754
Summary: Keith is not handling his feelings for Lance very well and laments his frustrations to Pidge. Hilarity ensues in which Pidge is the Worst (Best) Friend, Hunk has bad timing, Lance doesn't know what's going on, Shiro doesn't WANT to know what's going on, and even Red is in on it.





	In Which Pidge is the Worst (Best) Friend and Keith is a Disaster

**Author's Note:**

> I started this fic a while ago based on this short comic here: https://artofkelseywooley.tumblr.com/post/148751126765/i-swear-at-one-point-this-comic-was-supposed-to-be  
> It kind of spiraled out of control from there. I regret nothing.

“Leave the math to Pidge? What was I thinking?! He was obviously worked up and feeling shitty about himself and I just- I can’t believe I said that? Almost anything would have been better than that!”

Pidge rolled their eyes. “Well, you could have made him feel even worse about himself. Or you could have blurted out your feelings.”

Keith groaned, pressing his palms to his eyes. “Please don’t remind me… That would have been an even bigger disaster. Still, that was so dumb…”

Pidge just snacked on the weird french fry-like snacks Hunk had given them to taste test for him. “You know, seeing you being a huge mess like this, it makes me glad I’m Aro. I don’t have to worry about this sort of stuff.”

Keith flopped onto his bed, screaming into a pillow for a few moments before turning over to face Pidge again. “Lucky you. Sometimes I wish I were one of them emotionless assholes like on TV.”

“No you don’t.” Pidge rolled their eyes. “Then no one would be able to put up with you. You’ll survive, Keith, you’re too worked up over this.”

Keith sighed and curled up on his pillow. “I know, I know. Nothing’s probably going to happen, it’s just… Bleh.”

Pidge shrugged. “I don’t get it, but I wouldn’t worry about it too much either. I think you should just tell him, if it matters that much to you. You’re a Gay Disaster, Keith, there’s not much to do about that.”

Keith groaned. “Why can’t I just be a regular disaster like Shiro.”

“Shiro isn’t a disaster either, he’s a Demisaster. And in my opinion, you’ve got two options:” Pidge held up one finger, “One, you just tell him the truth about how you feel, or,” they continued, holding up a second finger, “Two, you fuck him in Red’s cockpit.”

Keith bolted up, spluttering as his face turned red. “PIDGE!”

Pidge shrugged, nonplussed. “What? I’m just calling it like I see it.”

“I AM NOT FUCKING HIM IN RED’S COCKPIT!” Keith shouted.

“Should I be worried for you two?”

Keith turned around sharply to see Hunk standing in the doorway of his room. “Um… I can explain?”

Pidge snickered. “I’m telling him he should either confess his feelings for Lance or fuck him in the cockpit. After all, they’re both familiar with it now, wouldn’t be a bad spot to get some privacy. These fry things are really good by the way.” 

Hunk looked understandably awkward. “Right… Um, should I just go?”

“I am so sorry.” Keith covered his face. Could he just die here, please? That sounded a lot better than facing this mess.

Hunk chuckled. “Hey, no worries man. If you want my advice, either would probably work, if you wanted to get your point across.”

Pidge grinned. “See, what’d I tell you?”

Keith groaned louder. “Can I just die please. Dying sounds amazing right now.”

Pidge and Hunk laughed, and Hunk shook his head. “I’m just gonna go add that stuff to my recipe book. Good luck with that, Keith.”

“Thanks.” Keith sighed, flopping back onto the bed once more. “I’m not fucking him in the cockpit, Pidge.”

“Pity, seems like you two could use the chance to work out some tension.”

“PIDGE!”

“What? I’m just saying. You two are both pretty tense and worked up, I hear sex is a good way to get rid of that.” Pidge said it all in such a matter-of-fact tone, Keith was wondering if they were still talking about the same thing.

“Please stop talking, that is not something I need in my head right now.”

“If you don’t want to fuck him in Red’s cockpit, then just tell him how you feel. Simple as that, Keith.” Pidge nudged him with their foot. “If you’re worried about incompatible sexualites, don’t, there is no way that boy isn’t bi, trust me.”

“... Is any human on this ship actually straight?” Keith hadn’t really thought about it before.

Pidge leaned back on their hands, thoughtful. “Well, you’re a gay disaster, Shiro’s a Demisaster, I’m Ace, there’s no way Lance isn’t Bi, and Hunk prefers girls but he’ll date anyone. So yea, no human on this ship is straight. Dunno about Allura or Coran, though. We’re getting off topic, though. So are you gonna do it?”

Keith sighed, rubbing his neck as he sat up. “I dunno, Pidge, it just really doesn’t seem like a good idea.”

“Hey, you never know what will happen until you try. I mean I guess it  _ could _ go horribly wrong, but it could also go horribly right,” Pidge pointed out with a grin.

Keith groaned and pressed his face into the pillow. This was a horrible, horrible idea, there was no way he was ever going to listen to that sort of thing.

* * *

 

“Hey, Red? I know I’m not your pilot, I’m not trying to be, this is actually uh, about your pilots. Well, your current one, and your old one too.”

Hunk paused, wondering if he’d actually get some sort of sign that the Red Lion was listening. He highly doubted it, but he was still curious. His voice echoed off the high, empty walls, so he just kept talking. “So Keith, he’s super, super into Lance, like head over heels for him, and Pidge like, suggested they uh, have a little liaison in your cockpit. Now I’m not saying that’s what needs to happen,” he says quickly, “but like, maybe if you could trap them in the cockpit for a little while, and maybe it could get them to talk? Or fuck, that would work too.”

Hunk jumped as he heard footsteps behind him and turned around sharply. He was relieved to see it was only Shiro, who at least looked quite confused himself. “Uh, Hunk? Should I ask what you’re doing here? Were you talking to Red?”

“Oh, uh, yea, I was asking for her help,” Hunk admitted. 

“With what?” Shiro sounded curious.

“Well, Pidge thought that maybe if Lance and Keith fucked in the cockpit-” Hunk was cut off by Shiro holding up a hand.

“You know what,” he said, looking exasperated, “I don’t actually want to know. Just… Never mind.” 

Shiro turned around sharply and walked back down the hall, shaking his head. Whatever was going on here, this was outside his realm of anything he’d actually want to deal with.

* * *

 

Lance tapped at the armrest of his seat, a touch nervous. Allura had suggested he and Keith go flying together, so Keith could see what he already knew about Red and maybe give him some suggestions. It was going to be weird, being in such a small space with the former Red Paladin, especially since he still kind of felt like Keith should be the one piloting instead of him.

He jumped when he heard Keith’s voice behind him. “Hey, ready to go?”

Lance moved the seat forward to the controls, taking hold of the grips. “Yea, was just waiting for you. Prepare to be blown away by my epic piloting skills~”

Keith chuckled, resting his hand on the back of the seat. “Yea, well, I still remember when you piloted Blue for the first time. I’ll just be happy for a smooth landing.”

“Hey, that was a long time ago,” Lance said with a light huff, “I can fly just fine, now, maybe even better than you!” He pushed Red out of her hangar, being a little snappier with the controls than was necessary, mostly to try to throw keith off his feet in revenge for his comment.

Keith laughed a bit and held on tight as they took off. “Oh, yea, because that was real reassuring,” he jabbed back with a smirk. “Let’s just do some basic maneuvers and stuff. I know there was an asteroid field nearby that could work well.”

Lance nodded in agreement and turned Red in that direction, pushing her up to full speed. It felt nice to speed along, without rushing to a battle or rescue mission. He barely slowed when reaching the asteroid field, deciding to weave in and out of the outer chunks of rock before slowing to go further into the field.

Keith leaned on the chair, smiling. “Good to know she’s in good hands. I’ll admit, I was a little worried when I realized she chose you of all people…”

Lance huffed. “What do you mean me of all people?”

Keith laughed and it drew a small smile from Lance as well, knowing he was mostly teasing. Their amusement didn’t last long, however, as Red suddenly began drifting towards a larger asteroid and landed on it.

Keith frowned. “Lance? Why’d you land?”

“ _ I _ didn’t, Red did, and I don’t know why. What’s up, girl, is something wrong?” He tried to adjust her controls, but she completely locked up, and suddenly all the screens went dark.

There was silence as they stared out of the window to the asteroids and the stars beyond.

Keith groaned, breaking the silence. “Come on, Red, not you too. This isn’t funny, you know!”

Lance looked over in confusion. “Not her too? Keith, what’s going on?”

“Not sure, but I think Red is in on Pidge’s evil plot to ruin my life,” Keith said, rubbing his face.

Lance raised a brow. “Uh… Alright then… Should I be worried?”

Keith shook his head. “No, the others will notice that we haven’t checked in soon enough and they’ll come find us. Not like we went far.” He groans and leans against the console on the side.

Lance pursed his lips, wrapping his arms around himself. “How long do you think it’ll take them to find us? It’s starting to get kind of cold in here.”

Keith turned a bit pale as he and Lance looked back to one another. “I’m sure we’ll be fine, it won’t take that long for them to notice…”

Lance looked unsure, but didn’t retort, instead turning to look out the window, apprehension written all over his features. Keith couldn’t blame him, not with the cockpit steadily growing chillier as the power seemed to be gone. Somehow, Keith got the feeling Red had done that much explicitly on purpose.

Pidge was going to be dead meat when Keith got back.

**Author's Note:**

> I'll probably write more to this later, but for now, I'll leave what happens up to your imagination~


End file.
